NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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