Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
