Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
