i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
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