mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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