The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
