How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Blood and glitter go together right?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
