I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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