In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
