Just fell off a train. Bad.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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