"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
