I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You have to summon your inner elephant
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
