sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
