You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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