i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize