I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
