that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
