I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
