Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize