my shit smells like andre
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
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