In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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