Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
