ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
