the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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