I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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