I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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