1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize