He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
