My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Randomize
