Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
