I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
