return my video game
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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