Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize