Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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