Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
