yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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