my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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