There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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