eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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