Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Randomize
