you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
