I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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