There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
