There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Randomize
