He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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