My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
This toilet bowl is my home.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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