i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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