The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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