Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
