I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
