when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
