Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
