you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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