I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
